woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
