well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
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Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
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Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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