saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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