Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
