its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
