I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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