i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The beer is more important than you right now.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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