i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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