My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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