Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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