did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
