Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
