tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
