my vag is so smooth its legendary
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
