peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
