I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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