god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
