saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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