My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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