Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
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can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
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I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
as a side note pls kill me
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