I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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