hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
