His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
