Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
