how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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