i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
