I am puke
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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