My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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