So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
