piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
