I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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