You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
