Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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