When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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