If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
