I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
