You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
