So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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