..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
