I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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