I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
