Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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