Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
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i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
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And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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