You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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