She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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