I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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