pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
