do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
