Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
