Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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