I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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