I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
