Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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