I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
