it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
