the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
