Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
