I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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