I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
