why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
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